During the 2019 pandemic, we were all at home to avoid contracting COVID-19. The only way we had to communicate was through social media, or rather, messaging apps. I belonged to a certain religion and, so to speak, held a somewhat elevated position, meaning I had responsibilities and needed to look after the well-being of others.

So, I kept in touch with my church friends through messaging apps. For the first time, I greeted a young woman on WhatsApp. I had greeted her in person before, but I had never written to her on WhatsApp or any social media. I wrote to her just to check how she was doing.

For some reason, the conversation with her became increasingly interesting. We started off discussing simple things about life, such as where we studied and what we wanted in life—like having children, jobs, and other topics. This turned into a routine where we communicated morning, noon, and night, almost all day long.

As the days passed, I fell in love with that young woman. I began to idealize her, imagining her walking beside me, participating in church activities together, having a family with me. Since our conversations were constant, my fantasies about her grew and grew.

Everything seemed beautiful; we began to speak romantically, or rather, I did most of the time. I made it clear that I was in love. I felt a certain level of trust with her, so I called her my little dove and other romantic nicknames. She also had her own names for me, like little Estarlin; my name is Estarlin, so I loved being called little Estarlin, as if she was calling me her little plush toy.

After about six months of active communication with her, I decided I needed to tell her that we had been talking with romantic interests and should do something to formalize the relationship. It turned out that she knew what I was going to say and didn’t want to talk because she didn’t want any type of relationship at that moment. I think, being infatuated, I didn’t notice any of that, so I went ahead and told her I was in love and wanted to form something with her. She didn’t know how to respond; she asked why I felt attracted to her. I don’t remember exactly what I said, but I think I mentioned that perhaps it was because we had so much in common, and things like that… Of course, her response was that she wasn’t interested in a romantic relationship at that time but that I could wait until she was ready to see if we could form a relationship.

My world came crashing down. All those illusions I had were shattered in an instant. I didn’t know what I would do without that young woman. We depended on each other; she confirmed this since we had been talking every day. If I didn’t write to her, I felt bad and started looking for information about her through her mother or other people.

Lost in life, what would become of me?
-Estarlincito-

We decided to remain friends, but honestly, this didn’t work because I was deeply in love with her. So, while we talked, the conversation often turned romantic; she noticed this and would stop talking to me. If I didn’t talk to her, I felt lost, as if half of my heart were missing, as if half of my soul were gone. So I chased after her, begging her to talk to me again. This cycle of talking and then not talking lasted about four times.

I tried to show her that she had some interest in me, but she insisted she didn’t. So I started to feel resentment toward her, as it seemed she had hurt me. I remember seeing a video that said we should turn our misfortunes into art. Since I had a personal business repairing computers and phones and providing technical support under the name Estarlin Support’s, I planned to make her pay for what she did. That’s why I named my personal business Estarlincito—to make it clear to her that if she were in love, seeing that name on my social media would make her feel hurt while I transformed my misfortune into art.

Honestly, I didn’t know what to do; I depended on that young woman. So I began talking to her aunt and her friend, telling them what had happened in my attempt to form something with her. It happened that when she found out I was telling people, she blocked me on her social media. Again, I fell apart.

Without a doubt, I can say that one of the best things that happened to me in the world was that event. I truly didn’t know who I was or why I did the things I did. I realized that most of what I did was simply to seek recognition from others. I also learned that I needed to delve into my past, as I grew up with very little attention from my mom and dad. I developed certain traits that led me to where I am today, like how I acted with that young woman, such as emotional dependency. To understand a bit better, I spent 23 years of my life seeking the attention I didn’t receive as a child. When this young woman came into my life, she gave me the attention I had lacked for so long, and then she took it away, which is why it took me about two years to recover from what happened.

I wanted to keep the young woman as my prisoner
-Estarlincito-

Today, I still call myself Estarlincito, not because I want to hurt that young woman, but because my business is named Estarlincito, and most people know me as Estarlincito. I also love the name "Estarlincito." When I recognized why I had acted the way I did, I apologized to that young woman because I fell into depression and tried to manipulate her to stay in my life. She told me she forgave me and that it was okay.

The painful experience of rejection and the subsequent search for redemption led me to a profound process of self-discovery. Through this journey, I learned to forgive myself, recognize the importance of self-love, and accept that relationships do not always go the way we expect. This story of resilience and authenticity has allowed me to embrace a renewed identity, marked by inner strength and the determination to face the future with a clearer and more mature perspective.